Monday, December 12, 2005

from pebble world

I just woke up and read an email from a friend who I haven't seen in six months because she moved away from New York and also because I am horrible, no good and very bad at keeping in touch and returning phone calls. Her letter is angry. She is disappointed in me. She says sometimes she reads my blog and that I have "spiraled" into an obsession with Robert and that seems to be all that my life is (as small as a "pebble") and did our friendship really mean so little to me?

Now I'm obsessing and it's not about Robert.

First of all, maybe I'm just a totally single-minded person, not very good at maintaining friendships over the phone. I have thought about this friend so much, every night when I'm going to bed it's like a lightbulb goes off to remind me to call her -- and then the same lightbulb goes off the next night. And I can't explain it except to say that our friendship does mean a lot to me, you mean a lot to me, and I'm sorry that I've let you down. I haven't called because it's been a long time and I don't know what to say -- and I know that that's not good enough.

But our friendship is a separate issue from my boyfriend. It's true, I've been up in arms about all this drama in the past couple of months but I fail to understand how making me feel like shit about already feeling like shit is going to lay the groundwork for a great conversation. I don't want to ever be one of these women who obsesses about her significant other, or lack thereof. Nor do I ever want to be someone who stifles her feelings because she's afraid of being judged. I want to be your friend, I do, but now I'm even less sure of what to say to you.


Anonymous suz said...

sarah, it goes without saying that you are NOT horrible and no good. now, really. in fact, you are lovely and amazing and i have no doubts that you and your friend will work it out...

11:23 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

No, Suz. I appreciate your kind words but the truth is that I AM really bad at keeping in touch. On December 31st (or, um, sometime in mid-January), when I'm coming up with New Year's resolutions and I don't aim any higher than "Drink 8 glasses of water a day" I must remember than being a consistent friend is infinitely more important than my own fluid-intake. This year, I will set the bar higher. Starting today. As soon as I polish off that last bit of cake...

11:47 AM  
Blogger Urban Barbara said...

Sarah, don't take the shortcut. it's as easy to beat yourself as it is to not make the nightly phone call.

do what's right for you. what to say? that's easy...what ever is in your heart
bon courage

12:41 PM  
Anonymous camille said...

a relationship must be continually created...tended like a garden. don't take people for granted.

1:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

sarah, I never meant that you are "no good." Are you kdding me?!
I was writing to just let you know- meaning: hey, you don't keep in touch with people, you lose them- fact of life. if you love someone or think about them- let them know. I love I was letting you know...

11:55 PM  

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