Monday, December 12, 2005

from pebble world

I just woke up and read an email from a friend who I haven't seen in six months because she moved away from New York and also because I am horrible, no good and very bad at keeping in touch and returning phone calls. Her letter is angry. She is disappointed in me. She says sometimes she reads my blog and that I have "spiraled" into an obsession with Robert and that seems to be all that my life is (as small as a "pebble") and did our friendship really mean so little to me?

Now I'm obsessing and it's not about Robert.

First of all, maybe I'm just a totally single-minded person, not very good at maintaining friendships over the phone. I have thought about this friend so much, every night when I'm going to bed it's like a lightbulb goes off to remind me to call her -- and then the same lightbulb goes off the next night. And I can't explain it except to say that our friendship does mean a lot to me, you mean a lot to me, and I'm sorry that I've let you down. I haven't called because it's been a long time and I don't know what to say -- and I know that that's not good enough.

But our friendship is a separate issue from my boyfriend. It's true, I've been up in arms about all this drama in the past couple of months but I fail to understand how making me feel like shit about already feeling like shit is going to lay the groundwork for a great conversation. I don't want to ever be one of these women who obsesses about her significant other, or lack thereof. Nor do I ever want to be someone who stifles her feelings because she's afraid of being judged. I want to be your friend, I do, but now I'm even less sure of what to say to you.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

sarah, it goes without saying that you are NOT horrible and no good. now, really. in fact, you are lovely and amazing and i have no doubts that you and your friend will work it out...

11:23 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

No, Suz. I appreciate your kind words but the truth is that I AM really bad at keeping in touch. On December 31st (or, um, sometime in mid-January), when I'm coming up with New Year's resolutions and I don't aim any higher than "Drink 8 glasses of water a day" I must remember than being a consistent friend is infinitely more important than my own fluid-intake. This year, I will set the bar higher. Starting today. As soon as I polish off that last bit of cake...

11:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

a relationship must be continually created...tended like a garden. don't take people for granted.

1:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

sarah, I never meant that you are "no good." Are you kdding me?!
I was writing to just let you know- meaning: hey, you don't keep in touch with people, you lose them- fact of life. if you love someone or think about them- let them know. I love you...so I was letting you know...

11:55 PM  

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