Monday, September 26, 2005

no baby gemini

A week ago Friday, Robert walked in the door at eight o'clock in the morning straight off a plane from Sao Paulo, still in his suit from the day before. I met him in my blue bathrobe, feeling shy about the horrible conversations we'd had on the phone in the four days he'd been away. Lately I have felt overwhelmed by an itchiness to speed things up, to stop this endless and inevitable waiting that comes with years-long transatlantic relationships. I had delivered an ultimatum that we either get engaged or break up. Robert responded by flying from London to New York and staying with me for a week without ever mentioning it. My threat hung around, the elephant in the apartment that only seemed to take up more space the harder both of us tried to ignore it.
And now, we didn't exchange pleasantries or chit-chat about his flight, the news, the state of real estate in Brazil. Robert took off his jacket and hung it on the coatrack and then he picked me up, carried me to the bedroom, and put me down on my back on the futon that he loves to hate. He kissed the sweet spot on my neck, between my earlobe and collarbone. I took off his cufflinks and unbuttoned his shirt and spread my palms flat against his chest, and then his back, to pull him closer.
An hour later, I sat on the living room floor, trying to discern when, exactly, my fertile days were expected and whether or not we'd done something stupid. I say stupid because if I were to get pregnant at this point, I could not have an abortion. Despite all the reasons not to have a baby now, it is something I want too much. There is something absurdly primordial in my head, whispering, "babybabybaby." How tempted I am to throw all the balls in the air and just try to juggle all of them, to push Robert into stepping up and letting a baby choose committment for him., calculating according to the dates of my last period, reported that I had already ovulated. If I were to get pregnant now, though, the due date would be June 15th and the baby would be a Gemini. They offered up a list of all the possible due dates in a calendar year and sorted them by astrological category. was designed for hopeful, expectant parents, not single twenty-five-year-olds who have homework to do. (Seriously. Homework. I've been working my way through Proust's Swann's Way for the better part of two weeks.)

Last night I got my period and I felt relief. I stood in the bathroom watering the fern on the windowsill, spilling dirt on my hands, and I laughed at the ridiculousness of our having a baby now.
And then, I thought of the ultimatum I had delivered, and how that issue deserves to be decided because of how it feels for the two of us to be alone together.
No elephant, no baby, no pressure.


Anonymous camille said...

baby is not the answer.
commitment is the answer. commitment because of love, pure and simple.
i must quickly get started on the instructional handbook on how to successfully be an adult.

10:12 PM  

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